Perpetuating Fear

I am going to start with a warning: this is a rant about Christian women and how we talk to one another. 

Dr. Gregory House made an astute observation last season when he said “Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is just as bad a motivator”.

Yeah, you who know me know where I am going with this one.

What is our problem?! Who you ask? Us, women! And especially Christian women! We think it is a ‘good story’ to tell of labor and birth horrors. We think it is ‘sharing in the powwow of motherhood’ to tell a bigger and better tale than the last person. We mislead ourselves into believing that we are giving a realistic view of birth to share the bad and the ugly of deliveries. We con ourselves into the notion that it is ‘better for the uninitiated to know ‘the truth’ by giving ALL the stories of birth’.

"The United States has a peculiar history about childbirth. There is a higher level of fear of birth in this country than we see in so many cultures around the world-and I think it has to do with our own peculiar history of absolutely destroying the profession of midwifery in the early twentieth century. When you destroy midwives you also destroy a body of knowledge that is shared by women, that can't be put together by a bunch of surgeons or a bunch of male obstetricians because physiologically birth doesn't happen the same way-around surgeons, medically trained doctors-as it does around sympathetic women." - Ina May Gaskin

Sugar coat it if you will, but giving the gruesome ‘facts’ of a birth of a friend, a family member, or yourself, in a way to elicit a reaction, is fear-invoking. There is nothing to gain here, not knowledge, not preparation, not comfort and encouragement... nothing but fear.

We are called, instead, to Titus 2:3-5

“Similarly, the aged women are called that they be in behavior as becomes holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, but teachers of good things; that they may teach the younger women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God not be blasphemed.”

For those of you who are not Christian, this is still good advice: that the elder women teach the younger women by modeling becoming behavior, giving knowledge, and raising the younger women to be of sound mind (which is the Greek wording used for sober here). Oddly, this is the role that, so often, a midwife will take with her lady-in-waiting: mentoring the mother-to-be in soundness and preparation for laboring, childbearing, rearing, and sexuality.

How can we teach the next generation, or even help this generation to be of sound mind when we are instilling fear and trepidation into their minds at every twist and turn? Not only in childbearing, but in all areas of womanhood… If you don't believe me, consider how many of these you have heard and can finish:

“Oh my goodness, labor hurts SOOOO….”
“And she tore from….”
“I am getting the epidural while I am still in the….”

And it does not start there, it starts at marriage:
“He is going to want sex ALL…”
“Just wait, the honeymoon ends before…”

And it continues beyond childbirth:
“You think you are tired now, wait until…”
“Breastfeeding was a horror. My nipples…”

Let me guess, you could finish just about all of those? It is because we have all heard it. And was the intent of the person saying it to educate and prepare only? I doubt. And, if you have ever been guilty of this crime, you should feel adequately shamed for your hand in instilling fear into the poor young woman in attendance. I know I feel shamed to know that I have been guilty of this as well earlier in my life.

BUT, I believe it is time to stop instilling fear into the ‘uninitiated’. Whether it is in childbirth, marriage, child rearing… whatever area of female sexuality that it is, its sole purpose is to tear down a woman emotionally and mentally. It is time to begin building up.

We need a new generation of women who delight in their relationships, their bodies, their childbearing, and their childrearing. In past generations (I am talking our great grandmothers and before) it was a delight and a blessing to find a husband, to find yourself fertile, and to raise a family. God calls children a blessing, and ‘an inheritance from the Lord’. God says that a man who finds a wife finds a good thing – we are called good things, is this not to be delighted in? He himself instilled the marriage union and blessed it, then why are we cursing it? Every woman in the Bible who gave birth turned right around and praised God! Shouldn’t we praise the process and He that created it before the blessing is given?

Don’t perpetuate the fear of childbirth in a woman, refrain from the ‘fishing tales’ that so many of us have heard about a friend of a friend... instead, give studies and facts, not personal experiences – unless those personal experiences delight in the process and the wonder of our bodies. Reclaiming the awe, beauty, and miracle of birth does not start in the mind; it starts in the spirit - lifting up, praising, and nurturing the pregnant woman – feeding her on goodness, joy, and trust of her body and birth.

Her emotional health is as important as her physical and mental health. From there, we can begin to believe we can achieve great things – like bringing life into the world.

Breast Cancer is NOT a Pink Ribbon

David Jay

Have you heard about the Scar Project? If not, it's about time that you did.

David Jay became interested in starting this project when his wife's twin sister found out that she had breast cancer at 26 years of age.

Originally intended to be an educational piece, (SCAR stands for Surviving Cancer. Absolute Reality) it has become much more for David Jay. He soon realized that his project gave women the ability to not only show to the world their strength, but also their courage and beauty.

• To read more about the project, see here. 
•  To read more about the photographer, see here. 
•  To purchase his book, see here. 
• To visit them on FB, see here. 

Trauma and Birth

As a doula, I work with women on a regular basis to overcome birth trauma, whether it be:

• fear of their own birth
• fear of their past labor/birth experiences
• fear of the current labor process
• fear from sexual, physical, or relational abuse
• fear from societal preprogramming
• fear from cultural preprogramming

or any other source. You can replace "fear" with "anxiety", "anger", "sadness/grief" or any other word which more aptly resonates with your particular situation.

I have recently (as in, the last day) been looking into a new practice to help release these anxieties in reference to the birth process (though this practice can be used for any tension or fear). This practice is called EFT.



Here is as easy an explanation as I can come up with:

You, as the doula, would work with the mom to identify her fear or worry that she is having. She would then rate that fear/worry. You would then lead her in the 'script' by saying the acceptance statement. Then, leading her and working together, she would 'release' all fears/worries that she has attributed to this birth/issue. Finally, give a forgiveness statement and then fulfill with positive affirmations to replace those fears.

Very powerful and can be done in about 2 minutes time, from start to finish. This is enough time to do between contractions and still have time to prepare for the next contraction.

Here is a sample EFT script for the fear of pushing your baby out (thank you Sheridan).

1. Rate your level of fear/worry on a scale of 1-10

2. Start with KC (karate chop) while saying your set up statement.

"Even though I am afraid of pushing my baby out, I love and accept myself."

3. (Tap between eyebrows while saying) Releasing fears of birth

4. (Tap side of eye while saying) Releasing fears of pushing

5. (Tap under eye while saying) Releasing fear of baby being too big

6. (Tap under nose while saying) Releasing doubt

7. (Tap on chin while saying) Releasing anger/fear from last birth

8. (Tap between collar bones while saying) Releasing uncertainty.

9. (Tap under arm while saying) Releasing fear of tearing

10. (Tap top of head while saying) Releasing fear of failure

11. Now make a fist and put it by your heart and move it in a circle and say

"I forgive myself for these fears, I am doing the best that I know how."

12. Asses your level of fear/worry again... if it is still pretty high you can do steps 2-11 again.

Now we will tap in positive affirmations using the same tapping points.

13. (Tap between eyebrows while saying) I trust my body.

14. (Tap side of eye while saying) I can easily push my baby out.

15. (Tap under eye while saying) My perineum will stay intact as I push my baby out.

16. (Tap under nose while saying) My baby is the perfect size for me

17. (Tap on chin while saying) This is a new birth.

18. (Tap between collar bones while saying) My baby will be born healthy and at the perfect time for him/her

19. (Tap under arm while saying) My body knows how to birth this baby.

20. (Tap top of head while saying) I will have an enjoyable birth

---

These issues may not be yours regarding your pregnancy and birth so you can write your own script as well.

Here is a YouTube demonstration of the pressure points spoken about:

And here is the EFT in use:


Some may say 'wow, what a quack', while others may think it is a little too 'new age'.

But, in my estimation, there is nothing anti-Biblical in it, as it taps into acupressure points, uses positive affirmations, and works to reestablish trust.

Tokophobia

This is for those of us who cannot relate - to give us a motivator and a healthy dose of empathy.

This is also for those who find the idea of pregnancy and birth incapacitating, frightening, disgusting, or otherwise fearful.

If you fall into the latter group, you now have a term for your fear: tokophobia. The fear of childbirth.

How far do we go back to find the root of this? When did childbirth turn from a normal and natural occurrence, a part of life, into a debilitating fear?

Let's go back to PB (pre-baby/pre-birth). As a young pregnant woman, Sophie* is surrounded by friends and family - those female mentors and confidants that she trusts to give her insight, wisdom, advise, and encouragement. Those women feed her horror stories of women who die in labor, have horrible episiotomies, sepsis, and stillborns. They encourage her to watch ABNORMAL births on "Baby Story", "Special Delivery", and all of the prime time shows that are featuring a birth. They 'encourage' her by telling her how horrible the pain of birth is and to get medication as soon as possible. She is frightened.

But, maybe she was fearful even before that? Perhaps it isn't only about the pain of birth, but what the event means?! Let's go about 3-6 months prior to that... Sophie is just finding out that she is pregnant. Wonderful news right? Wrong. She belongs to a church where, just a few months ago, she saw a young girl in the same situation have to publically repent in front of the congregation. She had been working in childcare, but now was not allowed to. She has a 1 month old and no one threw her a shower. She was kicked out of her Christian College and now lived at home with two parent's who are coddled for the grief their wayward daughter has given them. She is terrified to let anyone know she is pregnant, let alone actually give birth and become a parent. She is afraid the father will leave her for an 'untarnished' version - one that won't be 'stretched out' by motherhood. She has no woman whom she can trust to talk to. She is frightened.

Could that have been where it started? Let's try even further back... Sophie is a middle schooler, about 12 years of age. She is in Sex Education and watching a film on reproduction. The room is dark and it smells like dry erase markers, rubber bands, and boys who don't wear enough deodorant. Throughout the 'reporduction' section, the boys hoot and whistle while the girl's grin nervously and blush. When it gets to the pregnancy section, many of the boy's make snide comments about the woman's changing body and the girl's self-consciously whisper to one another. There are uneasy shuffles as the film gets to the birth section. Suddenly, the screen fills with a woman who is yelling, sobbing, and thrashing, turning purple while a nurse yells at her to hold her breath and push, her husband pants oddly at her elbow, and a doctor stretches her roughly. He performs an episiotomy with no fanfare and no warning, and finishes by grabbing the infant's head and turns it by it's neck, pulling down and out. Once the baby is born, she is handed off to the nurse who hangs him by his two feet and starts shoving a suction down his nose and throat. The film ends. Lights up. The title of the film? "The Miracle of Life". Looking around, she sees 1/2 the class covering their eyes, a few who had to leave for the restroom slowly and shakily return, and the others look at the blank projection screen with gaping mouths and terrified expressions. She feels ill. She is scared.

Maybe not even there? How far do we have to go back? Sitting at a baby shower as a tweenager, listening to her classmates talk about period cramps and how their older sister's say having a baby is a million times worse and more disgusting? When Sophie is an 8 year old, and she overhears her Aunt talk about her cesarean while she flashes her 6 inch, badly healed, scar? At the feet of her mother as a 5 year old, listening to the horrors of early IV narcotics during labor? Perhaps even her own traumatic birth? Perhaps?...

Do any of those resonate with you? If not, you are lucky, being raised in the U.S. culture that we live in today, that it doesn't.

Fear is a strong motivator for making bad decisions. Yessir; it is. So what do we do about Tokophobia? Eradicate it from our culture - one young female at a time. Talk to our daughters early about reproduction and sex. Talk to them about self image. Tell them about the beautiful and NORMAL rite of passage of labor and birth. Fathers, embrace your wives' changing figures - gush over her breasts and handles, beauty and flaws. She is a woman. Refuse to listen to or perpetuate the horror stories of abnormal birth - instead, surround young pregnant women with Truth and Trust.

Break the cycle. Reclaim truth and trust. Dispel fear.

"The Talk" with Children Does Not Need to be Difficult

Well, for those of you who read the Tennessean, I could have been found this past Friday in the Living section. I had responded to a thread on Music City Moms message board and a reporter just happened to find the thread, read my comments, and contacted me for an article that she was working on. As a result, here is the story.

Just a bit of fun and self pats. :o)

When: Sept 8th at noon, Where: Applebees, Why:...

This is all that a person can see of a nursing mother's breast when it is not covered with a blanket. Are you offended?

Harrisburg, Pennsylvania; September 1, 2007 - PUBLIC PROTESTS APPLEBEE'S RESTAURANTS NATIONWIDE (press release)-

Breastfeeding supporters will gather on Saturday, September 8, 2007, at 12:00 pm at Applebee's restaurants across the country to protest the treatment of Brooke Ryan and her 7 month old child.

Allegedly, on June 14th, while Ms. Ryan was breastfeeding her baby discreetly in a corner booth during an anniversary dinner with her family, an Applebee's Manager asked her to cover her baby with a blanket. Ms. Ryan responded by citing the Kentucky law that states that "no person shall interfere with a woman breastfeeding her child". Ms. Ryan then produced a copy of the statute that she had received from the Kentucky Health Department, an organization that encourages women to keep a copy with them for situations such as the one she was experiencing. The manager, after reviewing a copy of the statute continued to insist that she had to "cover the baby with a blanket" if she wanted to breastfeed there, and that nursing her child was "indecent". The family left the restaurant before being served their meal, Ms. Ryan and baby in tears.

Shortly following the incident, Ms. Ryan retained the services of a lawyer who contacted Thomas and King, the company that owns and operates the Lexington Applebee's location. Nearly 2 months later, the company responded with a letter stating "we are considering keeping blankets in the restaurants for use by breastfeeding mothers that may not have them readily available," with the intent that mothers will be forced to put them over their babies.

Breastfeeding supporters have decided to conduct a public protest at the store location, as well as locations nationwide. It will occur on Saturday, September 8, 2007, at noon. When Senator Tom Buford, (Rep., KY), who spearheaded the passage of the Kentucky public breastfeeding law was told of the planned protest at the store in Lexington, KY, he said, "Let me know the date and I will come by and support you", and also made a suggestion of an appropriate sign for the event: "small children are not allowed to eat in this restaurant."

Even though there is a patchwork of strong and weak state laws aimed at protecting a woman's right to nurse her baby, the mistreatment Ms. Ryan encountered is far too common. Most women who nurse their babies will at some time be forced to feel the shameful sting of discrimination. Usually this burden is carried by a woman in secrecy, due to fear of further anguish to her family. Some women choose to bring their stories to the public in an effort to educate and bring about a positive change. Earlier this year, a Pennsylvania woman was threatened with arrest if she did not stop breastfeeding her child at her local mall. Last November, a mother in Vermont was kicked off of a Delta flight for not covering up while breastfeeding her child. The Delta incident resulted in over 800 participants protesting the discrimination by conducting "nurse-ins" at Delta counters in over 40 cities across the US.

"Because most public breastfeeding laws do not provide a clear remedy for women who are harassed or discriminated against," said Salem Hamilton, Executive Director of Birth Without Boundaries, International, "we are asking for breastfeeding supporters across the country to encourage their legislators to add enforcement provisions to their state's laws that would provide the protection women and babies need".

On Wednesday, August 31, 2007, the official corporate response as given by Mr. Alex Bressette, Applebee's corporate office's International Guest Relations Manager, is as follows: "Applebee's and its franchisees love having families dine together at our restaurants. We believe that this francihisee made a reasonable and lawful request of this guest in order to promote a pleasant and comfortable experience for all of its guests."

In the spirit of the existing diversity and inclusion policy published by Applebee's Restaurants, Birth Without Boundaries, Intl. is asking the corporation to adopt and implement an official breastfeeding friendly policy. As a breastfeeding mother, Ms. Ryan is doing the best for her child by giving him the optimum nutrition possible. According to UNICEF, if infants worldwide were fed only mother's milk for their first six months, at least 1.3 million lives a year would be saved.

The September 8, 2007 event is sponsored by Birth Without Boundaries, International; a Pennsylvania based non profit organization committed to eliminating restrictions placed on birthing mothers and their babies.

Inquiries may be directed to www.birthwithoutboundaries.com

Ring of Fire

Oh term that every natural childbirther wants to hear - "the ring of FIRE" (picturing the blow-fish from Nemo right about now, standing over Mount Wannahockaloogie). What is this event and what can it tell us about child birthing?

Firstly, the ring of fire teaches us this: the power of words. The power that words play in our birth is tremendous. Don't believe me? What does the term 'ring of fire' tell your perineum? Does it make you squirm to think of fire lapping at your 'tender areas'? What about the difference between calling contractions labor pains and calling them surges or waves? What about the difference between calling a contraction strong and good versus calling it hard or big? Our words impact our perceptions - our perceptions impact our experiences. From now on, we will not call it the ring of fire, but crowning. Because, as we will see throughout this article, crowning can be an exciting and enjoyable event in birth.

Secondly, this term-which-should-not-be-named, teaches us the power of mindset. We assume that, because this event occurs when the largest part of baby is passing by the perineum, it cannot possibly be anything but horrific. I tell you it can! Consider: a girl who is unfamiliar and fearful about her first time using a tampon may find the tampon to cause discomfort and pain. She is in the mindset that his is an uncomfortable and fearful event - so it will be such. This same girl, though, being relaxed and believing that no discomfort will come from the tampon, will likely have no discomfort or pain from inserting it. Consider the act of intercourse: a couple, relaxed and in love will have an enjoyable event of making love. Whereas, a man, forcing himself upon a woman, even if she does not fight, she will find it painful and horrible. The physical outcome is not dependent upon the size of the tampon, or the size of the organ (penis), but upon the mindset of the event. Likewise, if a woman is fully believing that her body will expand effortlessly around the head and body of her baby, if she is expecting a climatic and amazing event to occur at this, the moment of birth, she is more likely to experience that.

Thirdly, it teaches us the power of preconditioning. Tying the first two powers together, what are you preconditioning yourself to achieve? Women who have had unmedicated births 'on accident' were not prepared for the intensity of the sensations surrounding the event - they are frightened, disbelieving, and tense - as a result, their births, their perineums are fear-filled, tense, and painful. Women who have prepared themselves for all of labor and all of it's sensations, but still buy into crowning being a painful act they simply have to accept and 'push through' will get a painful event that they simply have to push through. Medically, during crowning, the babies head will press firmly enough against the surrounding tissue of the perineum that circulation is stunted. This results in the tingly, prickly feeling most commonly felt when your hand or foot falls asleep. Women who expect the moment of birth to be beautiful, climatic, and releasing report that crowning is a full, heavy, bursting, energy-filled, orgasmic, ecstatic, or pleasurable event in many cases. On the other hand, women who have preconditioned themselves to expect otherwise will get otherwise, translating a feeling of prickly 'asleep' perineum, to being a hot, hurtful, fearful event.

So, if we can stop using words that cause tension and fear, if we can alter our mindsets to expect the beauty and bliss of a baby passing through our bodies, if we can precondition ourselves and help recondition our friends, family, and the next generation to expect more than Mount Wannahockaloogie, we will find ourselves enjoying the fullness of our fullness, the beauty of birthing, and the ecstasy of life coming forth from our bodies.

Ecstatic Birthing?

Birth is orgasmic. I know, you are probably saying 'mine was anything but orgasmic - it had nothing to do with sex'. You are partly right. Birth may or may not have connotations to intercourse for many women - but the fact remains that a woman IS pregnant because of a sexual act. And, the fact remains that a woman's body, left to its natural structure of birth, will go through many of the same emotional and chemical reactions as a woman's body during a sexual encounter. And, the fact remains that birth, itself, is ecstatic, empowering, all-encompassing, humbling, and mightly releasing. That, in and of itself, is the emotional makeup of the orgasmic experience.

Let me get my hands a little dirty, can I? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

We are sexual beings. Created to be sexual beings, we are intrinsically sexual. I am not talking about the act of intercourse, though that has its place, I am talking about relating to the nature of our sex (female) in our daily life - and the natural occurances that accompany that. So, how can we help but have sexual birth? It is laced with humbleness, charged with endorphins, and stronger than a tempest. It is untameable and timeless. It is bringing life into the world.

Dr. Christiane Northrup says this about ecstatic birthing:

"When women understand what's available to us at birth, then we won't ever give that over to an expert .the birth power, the orgasmic power that's in our bodies. When you meet a woman who's had an ecstatic birth, can I tell you? You can't talk her into taking drugs that aren't so good for her body. You can't talk her into a hysterectomy that she doesn't need. You can't talk her into having her breasts removed. You can't talk her into a crummy diet. She's come home to her body. She knows what this body is capable of. She loves this body. This body loves her. And there's nothing like the transformation available at birth to nail that in there in such a way that she becomes illuminated, because she's a channel for life. And then she becomes a channel for life in all of its forms."

Coming home to her body! What a strong image. A woman who comes into her full awareness of what her body was created, designed for, and reveling in it. Becoming aware of her most primitive and natural abilities. Relying on that strength that she cannot tame, only take hold of and embrace, it is lliberating and ecstatic!

Ina May Gaskin interprets the orgasmic nature of childbirth this way:

"It is possible to have an ecstatic birth-in fact, that is the best- natural high that I know of. And these states of consciousness are best reached when a woman is fully aware and fully awake.
Women don't have a way to know how their body works until they really try it out in birth. I think that women can be just completely surprised by the change in them from giving birth- you have something powerful in you -that fierce thing comes up-and I think babies need moms to have that fierceness-you feel like you can do anything and that's the feeling we want moms to have."

Imagine, if you will, the euphoria that a trained triathlon athlete feels when he finishes the challenge. Imagine the pain, the hardship, the fatigue, the sweat, the joy, the feeling of deep-seating pride and accomplishment, the ecstasy and face splitting joy… all from crossing a line in the sand. Now, imagine what a woman feels bringing for a life! Imagine that life is brought forth from your body in your own capabilities and strength, in your own ability. Imagine the all-encompassing power that brings an individual to her knees in humility when she realizes something greater than herself, yet fully herself, accomplished something so miraculous; something called birth.Sarah J.Buckley outlines the gift of ecstatic birth in her article "Ecstatic birth: Nature's Hormonal Blueprint for Labor":

"Giving birth in ecstasy: This is our birthright and our body’s intent. Mother Nature, in her wisdom, prescribes birthing hormones that take us outside (ec) our usual state (stasis), so that we can be transformed on every level as we enter motherhood"... "Four major hormonal systems are active during labor and birth. These involve oxytocin, the hormone of love; endorphins, hormones of pleasure and transcendence; adrenalaline and noradrenaline
(epinephrine and norepinephrine), hormones of excitement; and prolactin, the mothering hormone. These systems are common to all mammals and originate deep in our mammalian or middle brain."

How we were created. Nature's perfected art. Sexual beings - sexual birthing. Left the way it was intended, birth has the power to transform our respect, our thoughts, our preconceptions about birth. Left to it's own devices, birth changes a woman. It is a rite of passage - otherwise, what would the need for a labor be? It is transforming, and transforming it should be. A woman becoming a mother - life giver and nurturer. She is a fully sexual being.

My Thoughts on Children At Birth

Bri is 6 and Kairi is 3. I prepped them by teaching a children at birth class: watching birth videos, simulating what mommy might do in labor, and learning the anatomy and physiology of labor (sights, sounds, smells, fluids, etc...). Kairi was slightly worried when mommy started yelling at the mw to get her 'hands out of there.. that DOES NOT feel good!' and when I started to pp hemmorhage. But, I had prepared them for the latter chance and my mom simply gave her her cue 'would you like to go hold mommies hand or color Xander a picture until Brenda says mommies done?'

Briaunna, OTOH, wanted to get as close as possible to everything (can I touch the water? What does it smell like, can I feel the cord? Daddy has scrubs on so he doesn't get splashed and that is why he can be so close and I can't? Where can I get some scrubs then? etc...) and was not freaked out or worried about anything.

I think it is VERY important to have a caregiver there for the kids so that they can ask questions to their hearts content. I also believe that childbirth is only not scary for kids if it is done as CLOSE to normalcy as possible (the more monitors, wires, and gadgets involved, the more kids tend to be fearful). It also depends on mom and dad's perception of childbirth. If mom or dad are scared of cb and its process, then the kids will pick up on that. If it is viewed as a normal and natural event, part of life, then the children are much more apt to embrace that same idea.

I think it is vital for our GIRLS to be reintroduced to the idea of childbearing. I think that could be at least, SOME, of what is contributing to the outrageous view of sexuality that our children (girls in particular) have. I think that boys (preteen) can benefit from it as well. But, after they get to that puberty stage, the appropriateness of it is up for debate. Prepuberty, though, is a GREAT time to establish a positive female body image for a young, impressionable boys' mind - one of strength, beauty in fullness (fullness of baby figure - and wholistically), God's plan for woman's body - not world's image, as well as allowing him to learn, and thus, appreciate, the 'final act' of a love relationship between a man and woman, etc... etc....

I know that, for some, I might be a bit on the liberal team when it comes to much of childbirth and childbearing, but it is no wonder that, men who have been witness to their children's births have an easier time bonding with their children and have a fuller appreciation and love for their wives (and acceptance of their wives changing bodies as a result). What if we were able to begin to establish that understanding and heart before they even met their wives or even thought of them? What if they could see their father's model the behaviours FOR them BEFORE they became fathers themselves?

And, as far as little gals go.. childbirth, throughout the ages, has always been a woman's affair - with only the father, and then only in some cultures, present. When a woman began laboring, the most seasoned and knowledgable women would come to 'deliver her' of the child (midwife), the newest mothers and THE mother of the laboring woman would come to serve her and help her (doula), and the young women of childbearing years were invited to cook, clean, and observe (protige). Finally, young girls, either siblings of the new baby or young girls of the family and friends that were there, were sent on errands, given misc. duties, and made to be a part of the celebration. Childbirth was an EVENT, and a time for learning. It brought women close and taught trust in the birth process, our bodies, and the act of life-giving (marriage, sexuality, and childbearing). It was natural, normal, and viewed as such. It was never viewed as a 'condition' or given the sense of shame and secrecy that it was given in the 1800's and early 1900's and sometimes even carries over to today.

It has only been in recent years (the last 100 or so) that we have lost that generational bonding that was so intrinsic and necessary for a young woman's 'initiation' into motherhood. Is it any doubt that so many of our young girls see their bodies as 2-D sexual images? They are missing the most vital component - life-giving and life-bringing - the cusp of a sexual relationship between a husband and a wife. Is it any doubt that so many of us go into our childbearing years FEARING childbirth and its unknowns? We have lost the sense of natural/normal that it is - we have lost trust in our bodies, the act of bringing forth children from our wombs, and the inherent knowledge of the process. That is why there are so many 'methods' of childbearing out there now - we are compensating for what has been lost... so we make up methods of childbearing (Bradley, Hypnobirthing, Lamaze, Medicated, etc...) to help us understand and cope with this 'thing that happens sometime between marriage and retirement'.

It was no surprise to me when Bri began crying when Xander was born - 'He's here! He's here!!' - a 6 year old was embodying the sense of awe and trust that we have lost as a culture. It was no surprise to me when she was given a job (cutting the cord) that she felt an inclusion, not a repulsion, to the process of childbearing and said 'Now I KNOW I want to be a doctor' (now I just need to hone that to say 'midwife' - lol). It was no surprise to me that my 3 year old says she wants to have 'twenty babies' when she grows up and, if anyone asks her what the birth was like, she wipes her brow and says 'hard work'. What if all of our little girls learn these valuable lessons? What if our young boys can appreciate these too? What if we reclaim that passion, belief, trust, and awe that our ancestors understood? What would the impact of that be on, not only our children, but on our culture? Would there be less child abuse? Would there be fewer dead-beat dads? Would there be more traditional family values and less teen pregnancies? I don't know... it would be neat to see though.... OK... I am going to stop now.