Thoughtful Thursday

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

February Community Events

The South Houston Doula Cooperative has a few events coming up in February.

• Houston Red Tent is a birth stories night. If you are pregnant and want to hear how women in Houston are giving birth or have already given birth and want to have a safe place to share your story, we hope to see you there!
• Birth Options Seminar is a 1-hour class to help you know your options for labor, birth, and postpartum. We will provide options, their risks and benefits, and help you to start writing a birth plan. We will also discuss what a birth plan is, what it is NOT, and how to facilitate open dialog/communication with your care provider.

Be sure to RSVP by clicking on the links and I hope to see you there!

Dear Sister

Dear Doctor, Midwife, Mother, Sister, Husband, Childbirth Care Provider,

These letters are a compilation of letters that have been shared with me from some of my clients' journals. I ask many of the women I work with to start writing... forgiveness letters, truth letters, anger letters, secret letters... healing letters that allow them to be honest about what they are holding in their hearts.

Some of these letters make it into the hands of their intended recipients... sometimes not... 

Dear Sister,

It was never about you. I know that sounds mean, but I don't know how else to say it. It was never about you. It has always been about me. This was my pregnancy, my birth plans, and my baby.

I never asked for your advice, and I never gave you any of mine. With Ella's birth, I found that I needed healing. My cesarean was emotionally and physically traumatic. Do you even remember my months in counseling, the family being on watch to make sure I didn't hurt Ella or myself and my deeper depression after I found I couldn't nurse anymore?

Maybe you thought you were trying to help me when you told me to just schedule a cesarean. Maybe you thought it was being supportive and keeping me from dwelling on how baby got here. Perhaps you were only trying to help save me from disappointment when you kept harping on me about the ease of a cesarean.

But I wanted more!

When I found out I was pregnant with Roscoe, I wanted a healing birth. When I told the family about my plans for a VBAC, they were all. so. negative.... and you included. I needed someone to tell me I could do it. But everyone said

Remember what you went through before? Just schedule a cesarean!

Come on. Your my sister. But it doesn't mean we want the same things. You were happy with your scheduled cesarean for both of your babies. You were happy with formula feeding and day care scheduling.. but I wanted to birth, I wanted to nurse, and I wanted to stay home and raise my children my way. I loved and supported you through your choices, whether or not I agreed with them, why didn't you do the same for me?

And then, at my baby shower and during girl's nights' out... when you found out you couldn't convince me to go under the knife again, you started planting the fear; in front of everyone:

"It's so dangerous!"
"What if you BURST your uterus wide open?!" 
"You're being selfish to risk the life of your child for an experience!"

Did you ever even read any of the studies and material I gave you? I don't think you did, otherwise you would know that your opinion was only that, opinion. Otherwise, you would have known that this was very much my choice - and a safe one at that.

And then, after Roscoe was born (born MY way) you never congratulated me, never apologized. In fact, the only thing I remember when you held him for the first time is what you said to him:

"Aw, poor baby! Look at that cone head! If your mama had listened to me you would have this pretty little perfect round head."

I was so hurt. Hurt at the insult to my son and hurt at the insult to my body and my achievement. MY moment.

And finally, breastfeeding. Yes, I said breastfeeding. You hate the idea of, as you put it so kindly in front of our friends, the "nasty nipple stretching, boob sagging" event of letting my little one "suck on [your] tits in public". You said it was like watching someone have sex... or go the bathroom... you said that knowing your little nephew you was eating my bodily fluids grossed you out and made you afraid to hold him for fear he would spit up on you.

And I won't even start on your whole "my sister is going to turn into one of those boring housewives with nothing to talk about but her kids".

What does all this mean? It means I think you are being selfish. It means that I am done being your whipping post for all of your opinionated lashings. Its fine to have your own opinion, but I am going to start giving you mine.

• Formula feeding is selfish. Especially without a good reason for it. Breastfeeding doesn't change my boobs, the hormones of pregnancy do. Breastmilk is the best food for my baby, and yours! You are giving your baby less than the best simply because of your own sexual hang ups
• Vaginal birth was the best thing for my baby and myself. Physically and emotionally, we are both so much more healthy for it. I may have failed, but at least I would have tried... which is more than I can say for you. And I did it! You should be congratulating me and my smart, amazing, powerful body! You not doing it only shows one of two things: either you are jealous or sad because I got something you didn't and you wanted, or you are too insecure to admit when you are wrong.
• Being a homemaker is great in my opinion. I can go to the gym whenever I want, make home made healthy meals for my family, and home school them so that they are smarter than the neighbor kids! And, although I might have more to talk about than my kids, I only want to talk about my kids - because I am around them enough to know how very awesome they are. I will be there for their first step, first tooth, first bruise, first everything. And I wouldn't miss that for the world. 

Guess what? I am going to be very vocal about my opinion, as well as the facts from now on. So, I encourage you to read up on those facts so that you are well equipped to try to keep up with me when we debate in front of our friends and family - since you like to make my business and your opinion so very much a public affair.

P.S. (please see the research and medical studies of interest attached to this letter).

Love,

Your twin sister

Update: This mom never gave her sister the letter. She did, though, do exactly what she said she was going to and began speaking up. Since that time, her sister has stopped the opinionated comments in public. The trade off is that the mom is sad she knows that there are some things that she and her sister can never discuss: parenting choices and birth choices.

Their mutual friends have told her on many occasions that her birthing and parenting styles have encouraged them to consider their options. As a result, she has attended two of their closest friend's births as a photographer and helped one friend to get breastfeeding help through their local LLL. She is regularly asked for help with researching medical studies, pediatricians, and birth options from friends and family. Her sister has not been given these same opportunities.

The Story of a Home Birth

This is such a beautiful birth story. Be warned, you will need kleenex (or a hanky).

Doula! Film is Coming to Houston

Doula! is Coming to Houston!! 

Brought to you by the South Houston Doula Cooperative

"Doula! The Ultimate Birth Companion" is a new documentary film about birth and postpartum doulas. This 60 minute documentary film follows three birth doulas as they support women before, during and after birth and features actual footage of three doula-supported births.

It is a powerful, highly emotional film that shows doulas in action at the sharp end of life's greatest adventure! Please join us for this free screening.

When: Friday, March 23rd
Where: ACT Building, 2805 Wichita St. Houston, TX

Doors open at 6:30 and the film begins promptly at 7pm.

Afterward, we will have a panel of professionals and parents to discuss the benefits of doulas and their impact on the community.

We will have concessions to purchase and will be holding a silent auction to raise money for women who cannot afford doula services in the Houston area. 





A short promo on the film: 



 
Click here to RSVP! We hope to see you there!

Thoughtful Thursday

"Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything.” William MacNeile Dixon

Dear Mother

Dear Doctor, Midwife, Mother, Sister, Husband, Childbirth Care Provider,

These letters are a compilation of letters that have been shared with me from some of my clients' journals. I ask many of the women I work with to start writing... forgiveness letters, truth letters, anger letters, secret letters... healing letters that allow them to be honest about what they are holding in their hearts.

Some of these letters make it into the hands of their intended recipients... sometimes not... 

Dear Mother,

Hi mom. I bet you are sitting at your kitchen chair right now wondering what in the world I am writing a letter to you for. Why not an email? Why not a phone call?

Well, my doula gave me a project, that is to write to people who I need to tell something to. So, you, among many people, are getting a letter. She said I could blame her for any hurt feelings, but it was my choice to mail this letter and I am going to own my own choice and feelings in this letter. This is not my doula's fault, it is my feelings and my choice.

I love you mom. You are an awesome mom. When I was little, you taught me so many things: how to be strong, how to not be afraid of trying something just because I was a girl, how to be proud of myself and how to see myself as beautiful when I was always the tomboy and never the prom date.

You helped me get my first job and were there for my first award. You cheered me on from the side lines and stood with me in my wedding when dad couldn't be there. You have always been wonderful to me.

But this, for some reason this has changed things. This 'pregnancy thing' as you like to call it, it has put a wound between us that I don't see being healed before our little one is born.

It started when I told you my (in my eyes) exciting news
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

That's what you said. I called you right after I shared the news with my husband and that is what you said. I was blubbering with happiness and excitement over your first grandbaby and you asked if I was sure if my baby was a good idea. 

Yes, we are still newlyweds, and yes, I am still newer in my career, but it really is none of your business if me and my husband decide to have a baby. We are ecstatic, can't you be? Or at least keep your opinion and shitty comments to yourself?

It continued when we went to our ultrasound appointment
I thought how cool would it be to have grandma there for the ultrasound, after all, you never got to have one and had never seen one. So I invited you. You said you would love to but could I reschedule because you had lunch with a friend planned for that time. Really? I invite you to a huge moment for me and you want me to reschedule for your standing lunch that you always have on the same time and day every week?

I said that to you and you balked 'of course! If you know my schedule so well, you should've known better in the first place'. Long story short, thanks mom, for missing one lunch with your friend so you could see your grandbaby for the first time.

But then, while we were there, we had already told you we weren't finding out the sex, and you waited until I was all jellied up to start the argument. The nurse asked if we wanted to know the sex and we said no. You leaned in and said 'but you can tell the Grandma'. We said no, she couldn't.

You started actually pouting, arguing that how were you going to buy things for 'it' if you didn't know what sex 'it' was, everyone knows the sex of their baby, and how were we going to pick a good name if we didn't know... were we going to just give 'it' some 'spontaneous and weird name' at birth?

The nurse looked so uncomfortable. She gave me a paper towel,said she printed us some pictures, and left. I missed nearly the whole thing because I was arguing with you. Thankfully I have pictures. And even then, you wanted to take them right away and make copies, saying I was so unreliable I might not get it done in a reasonable amount of time and you had to have something to show for the time you spent there with us.

And finally, the birth
Yes, I am going to give birth at a birth center. No, I don't need an epidural. Yes, I know the risks, and I also know the benefits. No, I probably won't need a cesarean like you did. Yes, I will probably deliver in water. And yes, with a midwife and a doula. No, my doula would not have taken your place, if anything, she would have made it easier on you, either helping you to help me or simply enjoy the experience.

I say would have mom, because you are not invited to the birth.

I am not doing this to be mean, but because your recent actions has shown me that there is something going on that we can't seem to fix, or even talk about, right now. If we can't fix it before the birth (which is only about a month away) I can't have that drama or that 'something' in the room while I am trying to give birth to my baby.

You can say you will behave, but I can't risk it. I can't risk it because, if you don't behave, you will ruin my birth... and I can't get that experience back, I can't redo it. I can't chance your nervous, untrusting attitude of my pregnancy and birthing choices won't influence everything. I can't have you pacing, and crying, and pouting, and making rude comments to everyone. I can't have you trying to change my opinion, or supersede my choices. And I can't let this be about you. Because it is about me, the mother, and my baby.

I love you. I don't hate you. I am not punishing you. But, ever since you found out your little girl was going to become a mom herself, you seem to have forgotten how independent, competent, smart, educated, self-sufficient, powerful, proud, well-adjusted, and sound you raised me to be!

I'm not a child that needs parenting, I am a woman who wanted her friend, who happens to be her mother, to share in a special moment with her. But, for whatever reason, you have become the parent you never were or ever wanted to be when I was growing up: manipulative, conniving, coercive, pouting, flaunting, and dramatic.

Where did my friend go? I don't know, but I need that person in the birthing room with me, not whatever this is.

I can't wait to see you fall in love with your grand-baby, we have you on the doula's list to call when I am near the end of labor. That way, you can get to the birth center before anyone else does and see our baby. I have the outfit you picked out for the first outfit, and we will be taking lots of pictures so you can see them if you ever want to. We might even video tape it, although I joke I don't ever want to see it.

I would love to go to lunch sometime this week and talk. I really want to, but I need you to know all of this and choose to come to lunch with me. If you choose to go to lunch with me, please know that you are showing me that you acknowledge my feelings and want to talk about this. It won't guarantee you a place at my birth, but your willingness will guarantee you a place in my heart and mind of respect and gratitude.

Sincerely always, 

Your Daughter, who is about to become a Mother

Update: mom did end up giving this letter to her mom. Her mom declined the invitation to go to lunch. Her mom was not at the birth and missed the first few days of her grandbaby's life. She did call many days afterward to come see the baby. She also did end up asking to see the birth video many months after the birth, itself. Mom and mother are still working to define boundaries and roles. Mom describes it as a work in progress.