I Be Like...

Being a birthworker is such a rewarding profession. The ups, the downs, the in-betweens - all equate to one thing = my job is an adventure.

That said, there are ups and downs. This is my unprofessional view of birthwork through a birthworkers eyes.

What I feel like I look like at consultations

What I really look like at consultations

What I look like when I nail the consultation

What I feel like when someone tries to pop a pregnant mama's 

bubble of peace

How I feel when a mama I'm working with switches out of the care of her 

unsupportive provider and into the care of one I have worked with, 

trust, and supports her choices

How I feel when a mama I'm working with says, "I really want a natural

birth" but is unwilling to do anything I recommend to prepare for it or chooses to 

birth at a hospital notorious for cesareans 

How I react when a provider asks a mom if he can strip her

membranes at 36 weeks, 'just to see what happens.' ... 

and she consents

What I look like when a new report, study, or review comes out

regarding pregnancy, birth, or parenting options 

What I feel like when a provider ignores all of those same research, studies,

reports, and reviews for their 'own policies'

How I look while getting ready to head out to a birth

When the on-call steps in the room and says they 'don't do VBACs'

even though mom is ready to push

The face I make when a mom calls me to tell me she ignored

my advice to rest while she could in early labor, instead she

went for a walk, and now she is exhausted, wants to nap, and

labor just kicked into high gear

What it feels like when nurse and I work great like a team and rock it out

with our superstar skills 

The look I give a nurse in triage when

mom is making 9-10cm noises and she says, 'let me just go

get your chart' and leaves the room

What I do when an OB, who has made their first appearance in 

the room for the whole labor, says, "better start preparing for the

possibility of a cesarean. You aren't progressing and I don't see this ending vaginally."

What I do when, 2 hours later, mom is pushing so "well" that the

same OB barely makes it in time 

What I feel like when a mom has been been 'stuck' at 7cm for a millennium

and her baby is floating high in the pelvis and there's rumors circulating
in the room about "plan C"

What I feel like when, 30 minutes after the Parrish Maneuver, fear releasing,

and Walcher's Technique, mom is crowning

My face when I hear a midwife say, "a doula isn't helpful

or necessary at a birth outside the hospital."

What I do when a provider meets me at the door to a laboring

woman's room and says, "I don't like doulas, they are irrelevant

and I have had very bad experiences with them in the past."

What I think of other doulas and midwives who are unethical
(talking trash about other birth workers) and territorial with potential clients

What I do when a mom calls me to tell me she thinks her water

broke, she thinks she's having contractions, or she thinks 

she 'did something to her back' because it's aching

What my face must look like when a provider says they 'can't let mom',

'don't do ___', or tell her she "can't ___'

How daddy and I look when nurse goes to bat for mom's choices

and mom get's the birth she wants

The look I give an OB when they transform into a

midwife before my eyes...

What I probably look like when a provider or nurse takes 

the time and opportunities to teach me something

new and 'above my pay grade' 

What dad and I look like when a mom finds her voice during

labor, becomes empowered, and stands up for what she knows 

she and baby deserve

What I know I look like when a nurse or doctor says that babies

can't be born in any position but on a woman's back

What I do when an OB says for mom to pick whatever position

feels most right for her to birth in

What I do when someone gives advice that is neither medically sound

nor evidence-based on an online forum

What I do when a nurse says, "epidurals are completely safe

and have no real risks."

What I do when a midwife, mom herself, or partner ask if I will help mom

to do nipple stimulation

What I feel like for every. single. VBAC mama

What I feel for every single mama after she birth

What I look like when I get off a 32 hour shift and stumble into my home

And why I would do it all again after just a few hours rest

12 Days of Christmas - Midwife Style

Lyrics:

On the first day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, a bag of red raspberry leaf tea
On the second day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 2 doula choices
On the third day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 3 birthing videos
On the fourth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 4 supplements
On the fifth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 5 gold ring slings
On the sixth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 6 hours of hip squeeze
On the seventh day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 7 ways to breastfeed
On the eighth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 8 lbs of baby
On the ninth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 9 months of care
On the tenth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 10 centimeters
On the eleventh day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 11 ways to push
On the twelfth day of Christmas my midwife gave to me, 12 herbal baths

Sparkles, Bleach, and Added Flavor... where?!

Remember my talk about Vajazzling? No? Well, here is that sparkly post. It seems that this is only one more in a series of interesting body modifications that are supposedly intended to make the female anatomy more.... attractive.

Other concepts (most likely invented by men) include Nether-bleaching and Tasty Douching.

Yep, you read those right!

Nether-bleaching, what a concept. Not only can our lips be too uncomely that we have to snip 'em off, not only can our pubic hairs be too unsparkly that we have to replace 'em with stick on jewels, but our genitalia can be too brown!


Jezebel writes this about the commercial:

In this commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a (very light-skinned) couple sits down for what would have been a peaceful cup of morning coffee—if the woman's disgusting brown vagina hadn't ruined everything! The dude can't even bring himself look at her. He can't look at his coffee either, because it only reminds him of his wife's dripping, coffee-brown hole! Fortunately, the quick-thinking woman takes a shower, scrubbing her swarthy snatch with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash ("Freshness + Fairness"). And poof! Her vadge comes out blinding white like a downy baby lamb (and NOT THE GROSS BLACK KIND) and her husband—whose penis, I can only assume, is literally a light saber—is all, "Hey, lady! Cancel them divorce papers and LET'S BONE."

And finally, although it is a total farce (I mean, c'mon, eggs benedict?!), it's still humorous and not at all implausible with the direction we are heading.... Vagine Cuisine (thanks Olde Payphone)!

Precious

I love the time-elapsed pregnancy videos out there. This one, though, takes the cake as being so stinkin' adorable! Enjoy!

vAgain?

Shall we call this one "Of Jewels and Vajay-Jays Part 2"...







or simply Vajeathering?

Ben Dover reviews the Moon Cup

OK, I am a fan of more Eco-conscious solutions to our monthly visitor, don't get me wrong, this is purely for entertainment purposes:

"So one of the many new devices I purchased for this trip was a Diva "Moon Cup". Since feminine hygine supplies would be hard to come by and waste-producing, I opted instead to buy a thing like a Barbie Deluxe Toilet Plunger, and stuff it up my hooha.

The theory is that the cup catches your pan drippings, and you empty it a couple times a day, washing it with hippy soap, and reinserting. It presupposes you are enough of an Earth Mother to be OK not only with your monthly outpourings, but also with generally fossicking around in your flaps. Now, I am no stranger to gore. Nor am I squeamish about my delicate rose of delight, except that I have no such illusions about it and indeed am always reminded of nothing so much as stuffing an oddly-warm raw turkey. So, when after several weeks of teasing, the Period Fairy threatening to postpone the Communist Invasion until I was actually getting on the plane (I was about ready to scream and cry at some hapless unwary male just as a sacrifice to appease her) at last I greeted the rosy-fingered dawn and set about embarking on my new life as a eco-friendly Diva.

The Moon Cup comes in two sizes; Size A, for youthful nymphs under 30 who have never given birth and have silken tresses and tinkling laughs and are all size 0, and size B, for Big Ol' Bitches like m'self, who have either spawned, or are so old (ie over 30) that they might as well have been poppin' them out like Duggar Donuts, because their sugar walls are now echoing corridors full of cobwebs and slackness. Of course the packaging phrases it more nicely, but I was miffed to see that despite having never replicated, I was still doomed to the Big Gulp size because of my age alone.

So, chalice in hand, fingers washed, and let's fold that thing like a taco (no, not THAT thing, the other thing!) and cram it up where only one man has gone before and even then not for a damn long time even when he WAS still around. I'm sure I imagined the rusty creaking sounds as I tried to shove something which was larger than anything previous (with the exception of various medical speculums which, I believe, were constructed by the same person who designed the Montlake Drawbridge)into the Gaping Maw.

Now, you're supposed to roll the cup up, smuggle it past the border, let it expand, then turn it clockwise (or counter clockwise, or then one way and another, stopping when you hear the click, or something...) anyway, you're supposed to be able to turn this thing like a dial in there."If the cup does not turn easily, you did it wrong" Oh, of course, I'll just grasp hold of a thing about the size, shape, and slipperyness of the pointy end of a peeled hard-boiled egg, which is now buried in the meaty folds of my innermost femininity, which, I may add, are well-sluiced with the special effects from a Quentin Tarantino film, and spin that sucker like a dredel..."

To read the rest of this hilarious review, see here. 

Of Jewels and VaJay-Jays

So, a local doula walks into a chatroom...

No seriously, if you have a vagina and a sense of humor, you will love this post...

Ok, now where was I? Oh yes! A local doula was just talking about a recent experience she had with an OB/Gyn in this area. This is how her story went...

I need to say this because I'm still just flabbergasted. I attended a birth some time ago with an OB who discussed, while this woman was pushing her baby out, how very pleased she would be with his repair work on her bottom. He explained how women have come to him from Madrid and Brazil and New York to have their vaginas "done". I couldn't help it, as I stood there with a look of horror battling with disgust, I just blurted out (in a most un-doula-like moment): "You do designer vaginas?!?"

The nursery nurses in the corner burst into laughter. He looked puzzled for a moment, but when he sorted through the vernacular his visage changed to express the most proud approval and he said with a smile "Yes! I do." That was some time ago. Cut to yesterday. He attended the birth I was at yesterday. Though he did not regale us with further stories of his vaginal reconstruction exploits, he is now proudly wearing embroidery on his doctor's coat: "Ageless Center" (surrounded by a lovely logo) with the words (wait for it..........) COSMETIC GYNECOLOGY (emphasis mine). Your thoughts?

So, that got us around to talking about this story which you may or may not have seen on the web awhile ago...

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

So then, we kept talking, like women... and doulas... do, and pretty soon, we began talking about VaJazzling... yep, the process of applying this:

To This:

The results when used PROPERLY (you know, on clothes) would be this:

 or this:

or even, when used on skin.. it could be this...

or this:

 

But VAJazzling? So, like any good researcher, we doulas started looking up how to vajazzle.. and we came up with this:

Blingy don't you think?

And that got us to thinking (and talking) MORE... so, what do you think?

Should we start offering vajazzling to the mamas that we work with during our postpartum visits? It might help to give them a sparkly outlook on those first few weeks home with junior...

Or perhaps we should all vajazzle as DOULAS at a doula workshop... you know, get in touch with our inner crafty feminine (ok, totally channeling Fried Green Tomatoes here)...

Or, even better, we could offer this to the women that we work with right along with their push pedicures.. Can you imagine the notariety a doula would get with the OBs and nurses then?! We would be the talk of the town....

(Envisioning) "ok, now I'm just going to take a peek to see if we can see baby and... WHOA! What's THAT? I... I'm blinded by the bling! Turn off the delivery light! It looks like a disco ball in here!"

Think of it, I can see it now:

HoustonDesignerDoula.com 

specializing in helping women feel more than just empowered!

Now, we had a few concerns. I mean, the website states that: ‎

"For some people, vajazzling is just about feeling good while others have significant reasons to go for the bling, which may include coping with a terrible break up"

Whatever happened to just hunkering down with a gallon of Schweddy Balls and a spoon (that's for another post, by the way)

And what about self-respect? I mean, will jewel encrusted vulva actually make you feel better about a failed marriage?

But the most important thing that we should consider before getting vajazzled is this: wouldn't you be more than a little upset that, after waxing and vajazzling, you can't wear your skinny jeans for fear that your swarovski crystals might rub off?!

I don't know, I am kind of liking it... and I also like the term vaJAZZLE!

Yes, you do have to say it with a breathy voice and jazz hands, it only improved the effect! Totally a part of my vernacular now.. whenever something is as cool as a sparkling yoni, I totally am going to say...

"That's just vaJAZZLE!"

Now, I wonder if anyone is going to start Pejazzling?.... 

Feeling A Little Christmasy Today

Enjoy!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

If Serta or Sealy Made These Ads...

Isn't it a shame that we can only wish America would see birth as such a natural, normal part of life that we could make 'Hallmark' ads and mattress ads portraying the event?

Instead we get:



And wonder why the young girls in our society battle with self-image issues.. when we see young, flirtatious skirts flipping up coyly for the camera instead of strong and beautiful couples working to bring love into the world.

hehe.... I love SNL

Bellies and Babies - Wordle Style

I am in love with Wordle. If you have never tried it, check it out.

And, without further ado, here is the Bellies and Babies blog... ala Wordle

Snort!!! Hard Salami....

I was reading Poop and Boogies this morning and found this HILARIOUS post on there. Just in case it is 'buried' (can't link back) do an upper left hand search within his blog for "Awkward Recipe"

I went back to the store to return the item. This is the conversation I had with the guy behind the deli counter.

"I need to return this. My wife said I picked up the wrong thing for her recipe."...

hehe... read on, it gets really good.

Need A Laugh on This Hump Day?

Enjoy a little of life's pleasures...

It's more fun in stereo:


Watch carefully or you might miss it:


Oh To Grow up With Yourself:

Hee Hee

Just a bit of 'man that's funny, but a little too realistic to be REALLY funny' humor for Friday:

Live Journal Circumcision Rant

ROTFLOL. I just have to pass it on... Caution, may offend if you have chosen circumcision for your child.

Award

By accepting this Excellent Blog Award, I have to award it to 10 more people who’s blog’s I find Excellent Award worthy. I can give it to as many people as I want but please award at least 10. Thank you out there for having such great blogs and being such great friends! You deserve this! If chosen, you agree to the same information above. If chosen, also feel free to award people who have already been awarded…

Well, thank you 2Caps, for the award! I am flattered and adequately blushing! The kind thing she said about me?

"Nicole has her very own childbirth education curriculum now! She believes we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that birth is a good thing, and I agree with her! "

Now I need to award some people. Here is my role-call of awardees. Please see the above information to claim your award...

1. Kris - for being the Most Compassionate and Passionate New Doula-In-Training Blogger.
   
2. VBACWarrior - for being the Most Controversial, Raw, and Educational VBAC Blogger.
3. Sheridan - for having the Most Eloquently Scripturally Tied Birth Advocacy Post I have read in a long time.
4. Corin - gets two... for having the Most Eye-Pleasing Layout AND for having the Most Easily Digestible Educational Pieces (meaning that the lay man can read em and the fence rider can accept them).
   
5. umm... Corin got TWO....
   
6. Guinever - for the Best Menu Bar and Side Bar - she gets mad props for loads of easy to find, user-friendly information on her blog. And it doesn't look messy!
   
7. Maria - for some of the Most Beautiful Birth Stories and Pictures on the bloggernet.
8. Kathy - for one of the Most "Huh... Insightful and Thoughtworthy" Posts in The Disappearing Woman
9. Carla - for What She Has Started and Is Doing in the Birth Advocacy World.
10. Andrea - for Being 'The One' (we all hope to be) and Spreading the Word. - her blog often makes me cry, often motivates me, never ceases to astound and ground me.
    

What do you know about birth?

You have 100% of the knowledge you need to give birth the way your

Hello Birth Warrior! You question everything you're told about birth and there is no doubt that the birth your baby has will be the best possible birth you can give. You're not afraid of doctors or the word "no" and you keep pushing until you get the results you want.

Do you know how to give birth?
Take More Quizzes

A (unconventional, probably more accurate than most) Christmas Play

NARRATOR: And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Jospeh also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, to be taxed with Mary, his espoused wife, being great with child.

(Children sing quietly in background) “Little donkey, little donkey, on the dusty road … ” etc

MARY: Stop! Stop! (Looks around wildly) I need to find a bush!

JOSEPH: I TOLD you to go before we left the house!

MARY: I DID go before we left the house!

JOSEPH: We’ve only been on the road 5 minutes! You must have a bladder the size of a pea!

MARY: Oh yeah? You try riding an ass with rickets over these bumpy roads with a great big full-term baby tap-dancing on your bladder! Maybe it’s YOU that’s got a BRAIN the size of a pea, mister!

NARRATOR: And when he heard this, he was troubled at her saying, and cast in his mind what manner of salutation this should be.

(Mary struggles to dismount and scurries off.)

JOSEPH: Come on, Mary, we’ll get stuck in rush hour!

MARY: I AM hurrying – ow – drat these thorn bushes! – my center of gravity is off!

Pause.

MARY: (anxiously) ummm, Joseph, do you see any good leaves?

(Mary climbs gingerly on donkey.)

MARY: Oooof!

JOSEPH: Think of the benefit to your pelvic floor, sweetie!

(They plod on.)

MARY: Are we there yet?

JOSEPH: (sighs) We’ve only been –

MARY: I know! I know! We’ve only been on the road 5 minutes.

(Joseph looks around.)

JOSEPH: I wonder which way?

MARY: Check the map.

JOSEPH: Maps haven’t been invented yet.

MARY: Ask someone!

JOSEPH: No, no, it must be – this way, I think. (more hesitantly) This can’t be right.

MARY: (climbs down) well, while you’re trying to find out where we are, I’m going to find a bush ….

JOSEPH: (heavenward) God? God? Hey, is this your idea of being funny? Here I am, stuck in the middle of nowhere, going somewhere I’ve never been, with a wife I’m not married to, whose carrying a baby that’s not mine! I sure hope there’s some cosmic purpose in all this!

MARY: Joseeeeeeeph! My bowels are runny and I think I’m losing my mucous plug!

JOSEPH: Great! Thanks for sharing, honey!

MARY: (waddles back looking concerned). Are we th –

JOSEPH: (testily) NO!!!

MARY: All right, all right, keep your cloak on!

(Some time later)

MARY: (irritably) Can’t you shut those children up? (They have been droning an endless loop of “Little Donkey” in the background throughout.)

JOSEPH: Shh! (to children, who stop singing, look disappointed, shrug and leave).

MARY: Ow! Joseph, PLEEEZE drive more smoothly, do you have to hit EVERY pothole and speedbump!

JOSEPH: I’m trying babe, but this donkey has a mind of its own!

Mary groans or catches her breath with each step and stumble the donkey makes.

JOSEPH: Are you OK, babe?

MARY: It’s these Braxton-Hicks contractions. All this bumping and jiggling makes them happen more.

JOSEPH: Braxton and Hicks haven’t been born yet.

MARY: (wails) You NEVER validate anything I say!

(Mary grips donkey’s mane with both hands and look strained, trying not to groan with every footfall.)

JOSEPH: Are you sure you’re OK, babe?

MARY: No, actually, I’m not OK! I’m 9 months pregnant, I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, my back aches, my legs ache, my pants are wet and - (starts crying) – I just want to go home!

(Joseph stops leading the donkey and comes around to hold out his arms to her for a hug. Mary weeps. She starts to breath differently, holding on tight to Joseph.

MARY: Joe, I don’t think that was a Braxton Hicks. That hurt right down low.

(Jospeh looks around, worried.)

JOSEPH: Look, you can already see the lights of Bethlehem. We’re nearly there! Hang in there babe. Do you want to walk for a bit? Come on babe – (he helps her dismount. Mary walks. She stops, breathes, does a little labor dance, waggles her hands to indicate to Joseph to come hold her. She walks more, repeats...)

MARY: Joe, I think walking makes them come more. I think I’d better get back on.

They proceed with Joseph walking beside the donkey trying to support Mary.

They enter Bethlehem. It’s very busy.

JOSEPH: Excuse me! Excuse me please – ah, my wife here is just about ready to have a baby and we’re looking for the Inn –

MAN: There’s no room at the Inn – that was booked out weeks ago!

JOSEPH: Well, is there anywhere else?

MAN: Do you have a reservation?

JOSEPH (blankly) A reservation?

MARY: (Through gritted teeth) I can’t BELIEVE you didn’t make reservations!

(She clambers off the donkey purposefully and leans forward over the donkey’s back, breathing and swaying her hips. The man stares, Joseph looks more concerned. A matronly woman notices Mary’s posture and stops.)

WOMAN: This little lady hasn’t long to go! You can’t be schlepping about all over town trying to find a room! You poor little treasure (kisses and pats Mary) you’re hardly more than a baby yourself! Is it easing now? Good. Come on then. I know a place that will do. It’s not exactly 5 Star – Bring Your Own Star more like it – but it’s shelter and it’s private and you’ll be left in peace at least. That’s right darling, you’re a strong healthy girl, take my arm, hubby’s right there on the other side, we’ll have you sorted out in no time. How far apart now?

NARRATOR: And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

WOMAN: Now it might smell a bit mucky, but the straw’s all clean. Joseph, we’ll need your cloak, that’s right, just lay it down here. Now this milking stool will be perfect! Remember, Mary, the Hebrew women are not as the Egyptian women, but they are lively and give birth upon the stools! We’ll get gravity on your side!

That’s your heritage darling, a quick easy birth for you, because you are blessed and the fruit of your womb is blessed, that’s the blessing Yahweh gave to Abraham! That’s right, that’s right, settle yourself on the stool, lovely open pelvis, that’s the way. Now Joseph, if you just kneel in front of her, she can lean forward and have a lovely cuddle, that’s the way. And rest. Just rest. Yes. Yes. There you go.

(Mary breathes intently through a contraction and moans at the peak)

WOMAN: All that walking and donkey riding has gotten you well along, you’ve already done most of the work. And you’ve prepared all these nice clean cloths. Perfect. Sensible girl. We’ll put fresh straw in the feeding trough and it will make a perfect little cradle. You’ll be holding him in your arms before you know it. You’re doing perfectly.

JOSEPH: Lord, sorry about before. You’ve worked everything out. (He prays for his wife).

MARY: (starts her breathing only to grunt at the top) UMF! Uh, I think I just pushed. This is what Elizabeth did when I attended her. Johnny was born just a little after that. Joey, I think I am pushing!

(Mary leans forward with the next one, holding Joseph's hands and grunts into it)

JOSEPH: Whoa! There is something down there! It's got hair too!

NARRATOR: And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for them at the inn.

And it came to pass that verily, Mary was at the end of her tether because the holy infant was screaming its head off.

(Mary is lying down, an exhausted arm flopped over her eyes. Joseph is pacing with the roaring baby, jiggling it. A childish chorus croons “Silent Night” in the background.)

JOSEPH: Maybe he needs changing.

MARY: I just changed him.

JOSEPH: Maybe he needs to nurse.

MARY: I JUST NURSED HIM!!!

(Joseph tries to rock and soothe, to no avail).

MARY: Ei Ei Ei! I need some shepherd's purse and milk thistle to calm my nerves! Can’t you take him outside for a moment so I can at least clean myself up?

JOSEPH: It’s freezing out there!

MARY: Just for 5 minutes? Please? Use the sheepskin!

JOSEPH: Blessed art thou among women? CRANKY art thou among women more like it! (He struggles to wrap the sheepskin around the screaming baby and leaves.)

MARY: Lord, that angel I thought I saw - unless it was just too much falafel – said I was highly favored! I sure don’t feel very favored right now! I’m sore both ends, I’m LEAKING both ends – and if that baby is really your baby then why is he screaming blue bloody murder all the time? Shouldn’t he be meek and mild and QUIET???

NARRATOR: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, not being sure of exactly where to find the new born king, they heard the screaming from afar and drew nigh.

SHEPHERD 1: (a family man, uncertainly) Ummm, is this the kid that’s wrapped in swaddling cloths and sleeps in the feeding trough?

JOSEPH: (sleep-deprived) Huh?

SHEPHERD 2 (a younger man, eyeing the squalling bundle in Joseph’s arms) Man, what’s wrong with him?

JOSEPH: I’d better take him inside before he gets too cold.

SHEPHERD 1: (knowledgeably) No, they don’t like to be cold. Uh – is there a - a manger in there?

JOSEPH: A manger?

(Singing children promptly launch forth into ‘Away In A Manger).

SHEPHERD 3 (a boy) : well, you see these heavenly host dudes were going about a manger, saying it was a sign and all.

JOSEPH: well, yes, there is a manger actually, but we hardly ever use it. He seems to like sleeping next to us where he can smell Mary’s milk. Then she doesn’t have to get up when he wants to feed.

(They go in.)

JOSEPH: Hi honey. There’s some guys here to see the baby.

MARY: (wearily) Do they know how to get him to stop crying?

SHEPHERD 1: Er, well, there is something we do that seems to work well with the lambs. May I?

(He takes the baby and holds him over his shoulder, head down.)

MARY: (startled, starts to get up). What on earth are you doing for heaven’s sake!?

(Baby belches loudly and the crying begins to ease.)

SHEPHERD 1: There you go, it was just a bit of wind. He might have a touch of colic. If the lambs get discomforted like this, we just - (he adjusts the baby so he is “wearing” the baby around his neck) - carry them like this, so their tummy gets a massage. (He bounces gently, with confidence, and the baby settles). Works on my kids, too! I used to walk down the road carrying my second boy like this, to give his mother a break.

Why don’t you two go out for a moment? You could use a break. Even the ewes get stir-crazy if they’re cooped up with their lambs too long. We’ll keep an eye on this little feller.

JOSEPH: Come on babe! (pulls Mary up).

SHEPHERD 1: (to Jesus, as he cradles him in his arms.) So you’re the one who’s going to be the Shepherd of your people Israel! Well, well! (He starts to hum, and begins crooning a lullaby):

“He shall lead His flock like a shepherd. He shall carry the lambs in His arms. And carry them in His bosom. And gently lead those that are with young.”

(Jospeh and Mary see their baby is in good hands and venture outside. They sit down on a hill side and snuggle close because of the cold.)

JOSEPH: Did you ever see such an amazing starry sky? Like you could reach out and touch them.

MARY: Is that a planet? Look at that one! It’s huge! Right above us!

JOSEPH: Maybe it’s the star!

MARY: What star?

JOSEPH: You know. The star you have to bring when you bring your own star.

MARY: God even provided the star. Joseph, do you really think that little baby in there is the son of God?

JOSEPH: (chuckles and cuddles Mary). Look at this way babe. You know how the baby was born, right?

MARY: All too well!

JOSEPH: (Meaningfully) Well, do you have any idea at all how you got pregnant?

(Mary laughs and blushes).

MARY: (musing) A virgin shall bring forth a child. Remember the old prophecy? Joe, don’t you find it strange how these supernatural, miraculous things are all mixed up with such ordinary things? Why would God choose such ordinary people like us, and have his son born in a smelly old shed? I sometimes wonder if I imagined the angel and everything.

JOSEPH: I know for a fact that I didn’t imagine my angel. I was terrified! I didn’t sleep for a week! Did you know those shepherds back there saw a whole sky full of angles? That’s how they knew to come find us!

MARY: (wryly) I thought it was all my yelling.

JOSEPH: Well, that too!

MARY: But you know, Joseph, it hasn’t been easy, it’s not always a smooth ride –

JOSEPH: yeees dear, and you let me know it!

MARY: (playfully thumps Joseph) You have your ornery moments too! But even so, it seems like God has every little detail all worked out, you know, even that long journey helped my labour, and the midwife who just happened to be there, and the shed just happened to have fresh straw –

JOSEPH: And those shepherds sure turned up right when we seriously needed a break!

MARY: That dear little baby! It’s amazing. I can hardly take it all in.

JOSEPH: I guess God likes to use ordinary people and ordinary things so His miracles are all the more special. Just store these things in your heart, Mary. They’ll come back to you like precious jewels in a treasure chest in years to come.

MARY: Yes. I will.

NARRATOR: And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.

Mom, I Am... a spin on Dr. Seuss

Thought this was cute!

Would you nurse her in the park?
Would you nurse him in the dark?
Would you nurse him with a Boppy?
And when your boobs are feeling floppy?

I would nurse him in the park,
I would nurse her in the dark.
I'd nurse with or without a Boppy.
Floppy boobs will never stop me.

Can you nurse with your seat belt on?
Can you nurse from dusk till dawn?
Though she may pinch me, bite me, pull,
I will nurse her `till she's full!

Can you nurse and make some soup?
Can you nurse and feed the group?
It makes her healthy strong and smart,
Mommy's milk is the best start!

Would you nurse him at the game?
Would you nurse her in the rain?
In front of those who dare complain?
I would nurse him at the game.
I would nurse her in the rain.

As for those who protest lactation,
I have the perfect explanation.
Mommy's milk is tailor made
It's the perfect food, you need no aid.

Some may scoff and some may wriggle,
Avert their eyes or even giggle.
To those who can be cruel and rude,
Remind them breast's the perfect food!

I would never scoff or giggle,
Roll my eyes or even wiggle!
I would not be so crass or crude,
I KNOW that this milk's the perfect food!

We make the amount we need
The perfect temp for every feed.
There's no compare to milk from breast-
The perfect food, above the rest.

Those sweet nursing smiles are oh so sweet,
Mommy's milk is such a treat.
Human milk just can't be beat.

I will nurse, in any case,
On the street or in your face.
I will not let my baby cry,
I'll meet her needs, I'll always try.
It's not about what's good for you,
It's best for babies, through and through.

I will nurse her in my home,
I will nurse her when I roam.
Leave me be lads and ma'am.
I will nurse her, Mom I am.