5.21.2008

Dear Mommy pt. 4

Dear Mommy -

"I have a healthy baby and that is all that matterst" you say in quick breathes, averting your eyes quickly...

But your eyes belay a pain that is deeper than the scar on your abdomen and tougher than the tissue that holds it together.

I smile a sad smile.

You smile a brave smile, squaring your shoulders defiantly.

I reach out my arms...

and wrap you into me...

Your body tenses you give a quick squeeze and start to pull away.

I hold on...

You pat my back a few times, obligatory.

I hold on longer...

I have to get past that hard part, that defense that is so natural, yet so harmful. I pray it comes soon - I pray I can hold on...

Slowly,

I feel your shoulders relax, your neck becomes soft and the curve of your spine inclines.

Breast to breast, womb to womb, necks entwined...

A deep breath in and you shudder. Exhaling....

Acceptance.

Grief.

"It's ok", I say. "It's ok to wish for more"...

And you nod, crying.

At our feet, your beautifully perfect babe coos.

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