3.27.2014

I am Brave

I'm Brave.
I ate all the right food
and didn't eat the bad
I worked out daily
did my Kegels
had a doula
found a midwife
cleared my negativity
healed my relationships
journaled
meditated
cat cowed
prepared
and
prepared
and
prepared

I loved my baby so much
And my baby
oh my baby
she was perfect
so perfect
but
my
body
said
no

It said no
to birthing
and
the doctor said I
needed to be cut

I'm brave

I'm brave
that
I loved my baby so much
when she
needed me
to give up my
dreams
my
expectations
my
hopes
my
body
to make her safe

I did

I loved my baby so much
I numbed my belly
laid down willingly
on the cold
table
cried
tears of frustration
and a little fear
and a lot of mourning
then breathed deep
and rallied

They cut

                              they suctioned

they cauterized

                                                                  they tugged
               they pulled

And then she cried
and I cried tears of joy

I loved my baby so much

But when I held her
when I held her
my doula kissed my forehead
and whispered, "well done, mama"
and my midwife gazed at my baby
and whispered, "you're so brave and courageous"
and the doctor put his hand
on my foot with tears in his eyes
honored me with his silence
and left me with a smile

I am brave
I loved my baby
so much
that I had a cesarean
I didn't birth her
through my vagina
I birthed her
through my heart

I am brave

4 comments:

Orrin Sackett said...

Wow. . . this was really beautiful. What a touching tribute to mamas who do their very best for their babies and make the hard decision to go ahead with the c-section, because it's the best thing for baby! It's hard in the natural birth community to accept that sometimes the c-section is necessary and that the mom who makes that choice is as brave as the mom who births naturally!

Sunny said...

Love!

katydid said...

Wonderful!

Abby Walker said...

Cole, wow. I found this poem through a link that Bay Area Birth Center posted. I feel like you wrote this just for me. I had my baby in June via an emergency c-section after a beautiful labor at the birth center. It's been so hard trying to emotionally heal, especially when we're surrounded by everyone saying the best way to prevent a c-section is to be educated and have a healthy pregnancy. Trust me, I was more educated than most. I had the perfect pregnancy. I was more healthy in the year before and during pregnancy than I had been in my entire life. And yet.
I'm printing this out to put on my bathroom mirror because it is still a daily struggle to accept what happened to us, and I still have a lot of "what if's" .

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