2013 From the Mouths of Moms

The quotes herein are all verbatim from the mouths of some of the mamas I have served in 2013. Hopefully, some will make you laugh, and some will make you pause.

From a mama at 7cm working through active labor when her partner, whom she had previously asked to joke with her until she couldn't stand it any more, cracked a particularly unsavory joke at her situation.

"Shut up. Shut up or I will shoot you in your balls. I got what I need from 'em" (while patting her very pregnant form). 

When a mama started questioning her ability to achieve her VBAC in the midst of labor, during a thunderstorm, her husband asked her if she still thought she could do it.

"My uterus knows, you know? It knows.... And dammit, if it can sing this truth through the pain and the rain, then maybe, just maybe, my heart and head might start listening."

First words spoken from mama as her baby waited to be 'received' from the ground into her mamas arms. Second baby after a very traumatic first birth.

"My, aren't you perfect?! My perfect redemption. You are the reason I can cry tears of joy instead of pain."

While nurse was buzzing around the room getting ready for birth after an amazingly precipitous labor:

"No matter how fast you move, you can't get the doc here in time to catch this baby... cuz I'm puuuuuuussssshhhing!"

P.S. nurse caught baby, I assisted.

When midwife announces that mom is 10cm and ready to push after over 48 hours of very intense labor.

"You think you can't go on, but you can. You think you can't give just one more, but you do. F*ck, I'm amazing!"

Doctor is giving a very uncomfortable cervical exam to mom while she starts a contraction. Mom begs doc to stop, he doesn't, so she says, rather vehemently:

"Get your fingers out of my vagina or I'll break them."

Nurse encourages mom to get on her back to push, for the 5th time in 2 pushing contractions. Mom is in a squatting position and says sweetly:

"Dear nurse, have you ever tried to shit on your back? Please don't ask me to shit on my back."

Mom while at home, after I tell her I think she is getting to the point we should think about moving to her place of birth:

(to me) "You brought your emergency kit, right?" (to her partner) "Honey, what do you think of just staying here?"

Mama to her baby, who is still in her womb:

"Ok, here's the deal baby, I squeeze, you wiggle down. Squeeze and wiggle. Squeeze and wiggle. Got it? We can do this, little journeying soul."

Conversation between laboring mom and her wife:

"What time is it?"
"Now"
"What day is it?"
"Today"
"When will baby be here"
"When he's ready"

Mom telling her birthstory to a group of other pregnant women at a meeting

"Labor pinches your cheeks, buckles your knees, shakes your hands, and squeezes your midsection. But it won't kick your butt unless you let it."

Mom had been asking dad to massage her back on and off for about an hour. When he said he would like to go for 'a lap' to clear his mind, she said this:

"Leave"
(contraction in which he didn't get to the door yet)
"Come Back!!!"
(he starts massaging her)
"Stop it. Go away!"
(he smiles at me and starts to leave, she then finishes the contraction)
"Don't leave, stay!"
(at this point dad pipes up)
"How about I stay between here and there, just in case?"

Thank you moms, for giving me such a wealth of laughter and insight. You continue to be my muse and motivation - one birth at a time!