1.16.2012

How to Breastfeed

I was surfing along the other day and I came across this gem. It's about time someone gets it right!
Two days ago thousands of mothers flocked to Targets across the nation like they do every day but this time, with breasts full & nipples poised to launch a milk attack against the retail giant. The demonstration or “nurse-in” was in response to a lactating female being asked to feed her child in a changing room, away from public view, rather than in a corner of the store days earlier. Upon hearing this news, leaking women from all over the United States descended upon their local Tar-zhays with babies and proceeded to feed them from their private parts as a way of saying “We’re here, you can leer, get used to it”

What breastfeeding mothers don’t seem to realize is that it is entirely inappropriate to expose upstanding citizens to teat nourishment in a public setting. We’re thrilled that you’ve chosen to feed your child the way nature intended but do we have to see it? I mean, we don’t pee in public (unless we’re drunk) and would prefer that you would show us the same courtesy.

Here are a few tips that mothers should & need to adopt to help the rest of us feel comfortable.

1) Use a cover. Every time. There are many fancy ones on the market. Damask. Lace-trimmed. Or how about a swaddling cloth (if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for you kid)? Statistics show that human beings love being in confined spaces. Babies are on their way to becoming full humans so this applies to them as well. I personally eat many of my meals under a loosely draped fitted sheet in my bedroom and find it quite enjoyable. The importance of air circulation has been exaggerated by democrats and Al Gore; do not be fooled. When your baby’s mouth is fully affixed to your udder leaving only two little nostrils to breathe, why wouldn’t she love breathing in repeat Co2?

During the summer months, place two little straws in your baby’s nose scuba-style so that cool air can be retrieved without making us all barf from the sight of your boob flesh...
To read the rest, see here!

1 comment:

Rachael Heiner said...

That is hilarious. I especially like the part where she talks about eating in her bedroom under a sheet.

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